3 days ago
What I’m about to write is something I want to be on the record, because I think it’s a key aspect of who I am, and what most people seem to misunderstand in their dealings with me. It happened last night, so it’s fresh on my mind, but I was practicing on my harmonica while lounging about, and a friend asked me if I could play any famous songs, to which I replied not yet, and though I agreed it would be fun, it wasn’t my priority. Jokingly, he said that’s the way to impress girls, but I explained that I got the harmonica because I genuinely appreciate its sound (few things can play bittersweet like a harmonica) and I thought it would be a portable instrument, something I could play on the go - and that the attention was not my motivation. And here’s the kicker - another person piped up to “call my bluff,” that of course it was for attention, that the core of my desire was attention-seeking, that that’s the motivation for my “being different for different’s sake.” That I’m weird because it’s a way to guarantee the spotlight.
So, of course, yeah, sometimes. Making a crass joke? That’s fun precisely because of uptight shock. And yeah, being strange naturally attracts gazes, judging eyes - it’s a necessary side effect; if you don’t learn to appreciate it, it begins to sting. But is it my main motivation? No.
For one, it doesn’t even make sense, if you play out a fuller look. What garners the most attention is attraction - and let’s be honest, for the vast majority of people, “weird,” “strange,” is unsettling - and not attractive. The attention you gain is short lived, and often not positive. At most, it’s absent-mindedly waved off, relegated as a gimmick (see above). Positive affirmation of normal generates the most attention, stays comfortably at the center. Me? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spent in my good little perch at the fringe, to myself, watching. And I’m overall pleased there - I would change if it didn’t - but one of the downsides is that people, like with the rest of the “weirdness,” can’t understand the reasons, so they assume it’s not deliberate, but a failure of some kind. This pervasive ignorance is much more disheartening than the solitude