12 hours ago
When I was an adolescent, prior to using alcohol and other drugs, my behaviors were almost always aligned with the right side. This was who I was and still am today. Throughout my childhood years, and even more into early adulthood, I experienced severe emotional pain and trauma. I tried alcohol at a very early age and knew immediately for me, it was an escape from self. I could never drink without getting drunk, even as early as age 14, I was a blackout drinker. Knowing this I tried not to drink very often during my marriage as it always ended up with my having to clean up. After my divorce at age 27, My drinking became more frequent. Somehow I managed to “function” successfully in business life, maintaining a medical sales career and keeping up the facade although my black out drinking was increasing.
At age 30, I began to see real consequences and changes in my behaviors, relationships I once treasured, I had lost. Loss of career, multiple arrests, hurting my family and friends. I felt pain, shame, guilt and alcohol became my best friend and worst enemy, As this relationship progressed so did the consequences. If confronted, I lashed out, became the victim, played the blame game, deployed every behavior/defense/defect listed.
By age 34, my alcoholism or substance use disorder was severe. In addition, I had discovered crack cocaine and I had no doubt become every one of my character defects. I had become someone I never wanted to be!! Today, Recovery is a way of life. Recovery is who I am. Recovery aligns with my moral compass. I have no desire to drink or use drugs, and haven’t had for the last 9 plus years but I still see my “disease” everyday. It just shows up in different ways, it tells me I’m not enough, I’m not worthy of x,y or z. Grateful, I have a choice today, to confront those thoughts, be honest with myself and someone else (or you guys 🤗), remain open and willing and live a life I’m proud of, a life in recovery. Sure beats the alternative! 💯🙌🏼🙏🏻💪🏼