8 minutes ago
It’s been a while since I posted on here - a while since I’ve done much on social media. There’s so much that has been happening - from everything in the queer and trans community , white supremacy in this city, the election - and so much internal stuff.
I feel broken. From reading so many hate messages and comments directed towards Shades of Colour. I have so much to say about *everything* going on, but I find it hard for any words to come out. There was a period of time where my phone became a literal trigger - where it would buzz and my stomach would sink - and my veins would hurt and I would freeze. I’m burnt out. So burnt out to the point that despite loving admin work - it takes days to check my email. So burnt out that my arms , my body , and my soul feel so heavy - like they did last summer. So burnt out that I can barely handle a single class this semester.
I’m burnt out , but I honestly don’t even know if talking to people would help at this point . I don’t want to have to prove myself to people , or meticulously choose my words, or debate my lived experiences, or try to be alright. I need to cry more . I need therapy.
It’s funny - when my last therapy session ended many months ago - I was so excited to go back someday - I had a list of things that I *needed* to work on but so much has happened that I forgot about those things. I felt so comfortable in my body for a long while but all of a sudden I’m feeling self conscious of it and I don’t know why . I’m so confused.
And then the election happened. And it didn’t felt real . And I feel like I’ve just been trying to find ways to numb the pain . I just feel so ... hollow. .
Anyways. I’m heading to Drumheller this weekend because I need to get out of this city - even if only for a couple days. Take care of yourselves✌🏽 .
(📸: Me at the end of election night)
#yeg #trans #queer #ecuadorian #latinx #anxiety #burnout #mentalhealth at Edmonton, Alberta