7 hours ago
Get a cup of tea or coffee, this is a long post, extending into the first two comments (😱)with a few revelations to unpack.
I was online, playing solo in a multiplayer game this evening, as all my online friends in the game I was going to play were already in full squads. I had a couple of invites later in the evening, but I turned them down, I was getting pushed hard to play well in random teams, which meant I had to focus and my brain couldn't do it's normal multitasking of 5 things at once. It was good, my anxiety and overthinking had to take a back seat for a while.
I finally accepted an invite and joined a party of friends, and all was well at first. I was conversing, playing and was still focussed.
Over time, my mood changed, I felt it lower from enjoyment to frustration, then annoyance. I put this down to the fact my gameplay had started to suffer, I was making silly errors, and I was playing poorly. I don't like making mistakes, it's all part of my Perfection Complex (TM 😄), so I was putting more and more pressure on myself to play well, my anxiety was rising, so of course I was getting worse, more and more annoyed at myself, and went quiet. Always a bad sign.
My friends were still chatting, laughing and playing, but I was getting more and more low, and it was more than the game. Then my brain caught up with my emotions and I realized what was actually going on.
During all of the chatting, laughing and general banter I'd participated wholeheartedly, but as time had gone on and the banter had gotten more personal, at the points in the chat where I earlier would normally have made a comment, a joke or a witty riposte, I was actively holding myself back as I believed my contributions would inhibit a member of the chat. I'd witnessed it before, and was reassured previously it wasn't the case, but still, subconsciously I was anticipating how others would respond emotionally to my banter, and not wanting to bring any upset was shutting myself down, getting frustrated at holding back constantly (I had so many good ripostes and jokes 😄) and subsequently getting increasingly anxious and withdrawn, quiet. at Birmingham, United Kingdom