5 hours ago
I clearly remember a day back when I was 19 years old. It was Sunday. I woke up early, even though I had been out partying all night. I felt guilty for all the food and drinks I had had the night before, and as I laid in bed I made a promise to myself to start eating healthy again on Monday.
Thankfully, it was only Sunday. So I still had one more day to eat whatever I wanted!!
I went to the grocery store and I parked my car in the parking lot out front. The store didn't open for another 10 minutes. As I sat in my car I started planning what I was gonna buy for my binge. Chips, soda, chocolate, candy, pastries, ice cream… I wanted EVERYTHING.
As I was thinking about the binge ahead of me I started trembling with excitement. I remember LITERALLY trembling. I was doing something I shouldn't. Something forbidden. Which made it all the more exciting.
But I also remember thinking to myself that something must be wrong with me. I could not be normal. Who drives all the way to the grocery store on a Sunday morning, before it's even opened, to buy a bunch of sugar?
I remember waves of guilt washing over me, mixed with waves of exhilarated anticipation of all the food I was gonna eat. It was such a confusing moment, and I felt so ashamed of myself.
If I could talk to the 19-year old me, I would tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me. That me wanting to binge was a completely normal response from years and years of dieting. I would tell myself to stop restricting, to NOT start “eating healthy” on Monday, and to never start a new diet ever again.
Also, here's a picture of a nutella sandwich I had the other day 😋