Elcenote Photos & Videos

2 months ago

Usually this time of day I'm waking up this one to greet the day and talk about our dreams before the morning get to work and school hustle. It’s nearly always chaotic even when I remember to breathe. Even in the chaos it feels like a sacred practice. This parenting thing is the ritual I have come to respect the most and it is on mornings like this, where I watched the sunrise come up a few hundred miles from home amidst an early spring rain shower, that I remember its sacredness the most. I have been quiet, hibernating and now testing the waters for emerging from what feels like a few years of intense grieving and growing and celebration of a decade come to pass. There are no grand conclusions here but there is gratitude and that is enough. #newmoontimes #gettingfree2019 #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #coatlicuestate #nepantla #elcenote

2027
5 months ago

I spent a large portion of this year cooking my way to joy. I’ve been thinking a lot about family legacies - what is meant to stay because it has helped us survive and what we have a sacred duty to destroy because it has helped us survive. They often look and feel like the same thing in my mind and body and heart. Every time I made a mole, a tamal, a salsa, a tortilla, un caldo - I saw all the ingredients thrown in, being in process, mixing the bitter with the sweet along with memories and desire and regret and reverence. At the end I was always reminded that it was a process with no recipe and glory found when the most intuition and trust in myself was used. In these spaces of holiness is where discernment would emerge and I could witness the result of both what has been a finely tuned practice over many years along with the guidance of unseen and unknown hands and spirits. • There is this notion that we only create goodness on our spiritual journeys, that there are only high vibes and sunshine, that there is only abundance and positive energy waiting for us on the other side with the wind of the ancestors at our back. I’ve always lived on its shadow side, unwilling or unable to move outside of its trap seeing both the lessons and the pains of lineage. Finally, I’m beginning to see that maybe it is the way of my people, and a damn fine gift to the universe, that some of us can hold so much space in shadow, in death, in loss, and in grief and uncertainty. It’s a gift that we can live a sacred existence amidst all of that without losing our taste for the finer things like a well cooked meal. . . . #yearofeternalspring #felizañonuevo #comidabuena #coatlicue #nepantla #elcenote #shenandoahvalley #pozoleverde #zacatecanas

822
5 months ago

Winter #solstice started with an early morning epic tarot reading, proceeded to a full day of navigating childcare and work and a flooded front yard, talking shop with @centerforparticipatorychange, ending with a popcorn ball session courtesy @son_ofa_butcher and @teamreframe, fire cider and taco making and a head cold from hell, and an inspirational video from @hwanthology. Wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. Anything! Here’s to a winter’s beginning and a soon to be new year where manifestation and desire reign supreme. . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #shenandoahvalley #singersglenn #elinvierno

1160
7 months ago

I have been daydreaming about this Pakistani birthday stew for going on two weeks. It took me all day to cook it while catching up on birthday wishes from around the globe and writing, writing, writing. There is no photo evidence because I ate it all in a glorious feast. Afterwards, I ate the most magnificent donut cake that my mama made and that my friend @mzshaps recommended. Thank you for your love, your energy, your prayers, and your blessings. Your magnificence brings me joy and hope and vision. I can only hope to return the glory🖤🙏🏽🖤. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #scorpioseason #brujxconocimiento

8612
7 months ago

I did not wake up to breakfast in bed, balloons or confetti but to a sleeping child lying amidst the blazing glory of the autumnal sun beaming through dew drops on the window. Waking up is everything in a year when I was not sure I would survive, in a year where death and grief followed me around, in a year I was almost certain I would not survive one more round of life’s despair. Today, I wandered about the woods to see everything around me both dying and living and all at once I felt at home amongst the wildness of things. Here I am, reborn another year, at the curtain of life and death, at the place that has come for me and that I have journeyed to see. Here there are those we have lost, pieces of ourselves we abandoned, and the visions that have come before. Together they are singing hoping that we may each hear and sense their sound and tremor to light the way. . . . #yearofeternalspring #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #scorpioseason #nepantla #elcenote #traumaresilience #mentalhealthawareness #brujxconocimiento #staycation

14523
7 months ago

Annual staycation is ON! Lovin’ on all the things that stay, that show up, that exude home, that endure both pain and joy, that understand the contradictions of life and can see beyond their horizon. Lovin’ on seeing the other side, on embracing the shadows, on transformation, on becoming, on being, on learning and holding all the curves of our souls. Lovin’ on endings and beginnings and innocence and the pure glee and curiousness that exudes off of this one true love. What a glory and gift that our souls were to be united in this lifetime. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #staycation #elotoño #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #scorpioseason #brujxconocimiento

17812
8 months ago

I spent a long time today watching the hearing where #metoo was on trial as much as anything else, as the voice of #anitahill rang in my ears and I saw a survivor stand in her conviction. There were more apologies and proclamations of #ibelieveher than I could count. It didn’t make me feel one damned bit better. As I watched and as the endless rain of this season comes down and night falls, I’m left wanting more from the cis men in my life who have loved me and who have believed me. . There is a type of rage and a type of holding space that I have yet to experience from them. When you say you believe us does it come with more than acknowledging our truth? Does it come with patience and support and camaraderie for when we’re having panic attacks or curled up in a corner or crying maniacally or writing until our fingers bleed or eating a ton of cheese or on a bender or working nonstop or floating around in disassociation or so mad that we can’t look at your face or talk to you because the truth is you’ve hurt us too? Are you in the streets with us and giving us space to do wtf we need to do to heal? Are you down for when we aren’t good and our lows have come to haunt us? Are you going to bat for us with your bros, your pops, your boss, your coach behind the scenes and over drinks? Are you raising your kids to know about, demand and give consent? Are you practicing respecting boundaries that you do not like? . This year, something really cracked open in me around all this, holding multiple traumas and ptsd responses that I didn’t expect or understand while being expected to caretake others emotions. Not here for it y’all and growing beyond the person I was and am for thinking that standard was reasonable. Survivors, across gender, I see you and I’m sending up a little light for us tonight because we deserve some blessings. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #smashthepatriarchy #bashback #stoptellingwomentosmile #survivorloveletter #traumarecovery #countryqueers #stopkavanaugh #ibelieveanitahill #stoprapeculture

8511
8 months ago

Some weeks ago in one of our many random text message threads about the wild ride of parenting, @prima.de.afuera asked me, “From where do we get our power?” It was rhetorical, not to be answered in that avenue but a prompt for exploring. This question and all its facets, nooks and crannies thread together a type of discovery that comes from the sluggish work of digging around in one’s own mind and slowing enough to hear the instinctual whispers that are always accompanying us. I’ve been quiet in this reflection - writing to find a path, but not an answer, and holding all the truths and falsehoods that emerge. You see, power is a tricky thing with trials and tribulations of both our own making and all that is around us. Power is both imagined and tangible, individual and collective, a poison and a medicine. We come to know our power, where we abuse it, where we give it away, where it is taken away, and where we wield it for the greatest good by the very walk of life itself. Each well of experience and knowledge and learning cannot be traded or bartered away. We must trust and risk and create and fight for the sake of our power, for all its might, filled with grace, is part of our equation for liberation. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #liberationinourlifetime #countryqueers #happymonday #brujxconocimiento

896
9 months ago

•sound up• The last time I was in a church this small was in an equally small place in the mountains of Venezuela. There, some truth cracked open inside me and poured out of me in the form of tears that felt like rubber bullets. There amidst strangers, young and old, I found an honest bit of wisdom that only sacred space and stillness can bring. There, I felt stinging and resounding echoes of distant memories in my ears. • That nugget, like some volcanic rock, nestled itself under my heart, agitating me to anxiety, panic, and soul obliteration every time I refused stillness, refused listening. Eventually, it found me and when it found me, and I was ready to listen, it rolled out from my heart and rattled around in my rib cage before I realized it was an egg. Once I saw its truth I nourished it like a mother — like the mothering that every spirit longs for and deserves. I cradled it there amidst my ribs, warming it under the sun when I was able, turning it centimeter by centimeter, longing for and willing it to live. • Desire, there you are! And here, now in this church, 600 miles into the desert of Aztlán it hatches. The serpent emerges. My guardian, my ancestor, the reincarnation of the parts of my soul released from my body in susto coming home to nest. • Be free, I tell it. It makes a song and a flutter — a dance of freedom. • How strange I think that a being without limbs can dance. It hears my thoughts. “Are you sure?” It whispers. I catch my breath, exhale deeply, listo, and say yes mija, it is time. • Then, she makes her way from behind the lungs and through the throat. She comes pouring out of my mouth like Iturbide’s many serpents. As she bursts into the air I can see her many colors, her wings emerge, un picaflor, and for the first time I can see that home means freedom, that freedom lives inside me, that I am home. . . . #yearofeternalspring #nepantla #naguala #elcenote #aztlán lán #terlingua #tejas #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #countryqueers #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #venezuela #trujillo #picaflor #home #iturbide #susto

1023
9 months ago

Been dreaming about el cenote. Been writing, writing, writing. Been knowing. Been coming up for air. Been calling in chosen familia for each of their special skills. Been hitting my 205 day meditationversary. Been celebrating small victories. Been reflecting on the magic that is my life. Been seeing the gifts of ten years of deep commitment to sharing the stories that matter. Been seeing the spirits of the dead accompanying me. Been time traveling. Been growing. Been transforming. Ain’t no metamorphosis here yet but that molting sure is here (thank you @chaninicholas and los dos mariposa visitors for affirming my morning pages). Really, this is a post about all that and to say thank you and to say some things are coming and to say that eating this ceviche I made is probably the best thing that’s happened to me all year and I couldn’t be happier. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #nepantla #mariposa #traumarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising

714
10 months ago

In exile of an appointed destiny I do not come from people who see the light in everyday I come from endless grieving, unnamed Resilience? What is that, they say, This is life We work until we die Even the holy they cannot see their sacredness They do not know they are not a broken people And neither do I To think of yourself as holy Is a condemnation To purgatory We are a people built on this mourning This morning Undo these lessons legacies of shame legacies of despair Forget Hope was for those on the other side Our hope only ever got bought and paid By rubbing together two pennies And walking in one pair of boots Across the desert We looked to the sky We sent up prayers When no hope rained down We turned on each other Throwing darts at our hearts There was no hope here either And so we gave up Resigned to what we had been given We find no comfort in the stillness of water We find solitude in mountains We trust the ground underneath us as long as there is rain This is the water we trust We wait We wait We wait Not for hope but for an end To misery that has become a life force Our survival A living death We seek comfort in Walking fields The same fence lines year after year This is not a wall A line of permeability These borders bring us certainty This land is ours We prepare our papers And our guns This land is ours We cannot be sure of hope or the deed But with certainty the sun will rise The mountains cradling her rays To her we send our prayers Knowing Her brother will come for her And her daughter will rise at night Despite this Because of this That is how we rise tomorrow . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #motherhoodrising #childhoodunplugged #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

13213
10 months ago

Elephant mountain Kokernot mesa Santiago peak Packsaddle mountain Hen egg mountain Bee mountain . Home for a brief stint to close out a season of grieving, to celebrate the wisdom and longevity of the oceans under mountains and the mountains under oceans, to bring forth memories and vision to reunite lost bits of the soul. All this earth moving words to page. All this sky bringing an unknown joy. All this sol filling and opening my heart. All this wind whispering what’s to come. God is out here and so am I. 🙏🏽 #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #borderlands #terlingua #tejas #aztlán #desert #bigbendnationalpark #apacheland #writingretreat #ptsd #traumarecovery #susto #mentalhealthawareness #healingjustice

813
11 months ago

Nice for what? Summer of jams, summer of sun, summer of goals, summer of dreams, summer of hustle, summer of sweat, summer of rest, summer of love, summer of liberation, summer of freedom, summer of desire, summer of stories, summer of ritual, summer of familia, summer of joy, summer of balance, summer of contradiction, summer of vulnerability, summer of balance, summer of dance, summer of beaches, summer of mountains, summer of viajes, summer of curiosity, summer of remembering, summer of writing, summer of making pictures, summer of self, coming home to self, coming home, coming home. Welcome. Reigning in the petty and keepin’ it moving. Join me. . . . #elverano #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #nepantla #niceforwhat #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawareness

1195
11 months ago

Started a little brujx/witchy sharing thread over on WhatsApp. DM me if you’d like an invite. Low key, no stakes, low ego, no pressure, skill and knowledge sharing space. Altars, ritual, plants, astrology, tarot, the sky is the limit with an eye towards not appropriating shit, sharing resources and learning and supporting one another in this nonsensical reality we live in right now - and no we are not politically idle or neutral. Liberation based, trauma minded magic 🌕 image from @gottesss many moons workbook . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote

440
11 months ago

Started the #summersolstice weekend with the blessing of chosen family, a magical summer rain and ritual, and a deep unearthing of the foundation that remains when everything at the surface crumbles away. Feeling open to both strength and vulnerability, to both planning and spontaneity, to both goals and surprises. Cultivating fortitude amidst the deep spiritual, cultural, social, and political crises we are swimming in at this moment is imperative and not easy. As I feel joy and excitement creeping back into the crevices of my spirit for the journey ahead, I’m holding the contradiction of the call to show up for our people where and when we can. I am exploring, experimenting, and practicing balance and boundaries. I know I’m not alone in that quandary and grateful to each of you that have shared with me your own trials and tribulations the past few weeks. I believe in me and I believe in us. Solstice blessings to you all 🙏🏽 . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #verano #organize #movementbuilding #mentalhhealthawareness #traumaresilience #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #scenesfromsunday #freeourfutures #abolishice #nomoreprisons #slowhollertarot

575
12 months ago

Healing comes in all shapes and sizes and is right in front of us if we stop, be still, and look. Yesterday was tough physically, spiritually, emotionally and every challenge mirrored most of this past year. Finally, I just surrendered and let it be OK to not be OK. I let it all out relying on the truth that at my core there is agency and power and gentleness and a deep appreciation and love for this journey that is mine. I felt a sense of calm overtake me and a sureness that the story of that journey is allowed to evolve. I am allowed to evolve. I am no one’s story but my own. Now I’ve made it to Frome, belly full, heart full, words pouring forth, and so I begin again marking the start of this crossing over, noting this midpoint of the year and the coming solstice. Upon this space to reflect, I’m somehow surprised to find that every commitment I made to myself for this #yearofeternalspring is in motion. This is a practice of patience and abundance not urgency nor scarcity. Everything is open wide and I am ready. Maybe I have been ready all along, poco a poco, I’m coming home. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #somerset #frome #UK #motherhoodrising #cornerhousefrome #radicalwomenco #pocoapoco #mentalhealthawareness

652
12 months ago

Stuck in Dublin for yet to be determined amount of time. Do you think the universe is just trying to test my stamina and resiliency these past few weeks? Pulling it out of the deepest wells y’all, because I am stubborn and determined as the best of them and lord knows I’ve seen worse. Grateful to the ancestors and compxs who’ve been pulling out all the stops. #notmyfinaldestination . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #dublin #countryqueers #radicalwomenco

1036
12 months ago

I didn’t burn it or put it in a box. I couldn’t. I built an altar, a homage to love and all the things that it gifted me. A homage to a sacred vessel that was familia and to a place that I had come to think of as home. There is no room for bitterness here. There’s only room to grow that with which we were blessed to live, to pass it on. What an honor to have such an experience, to meet another soul in both the light and the dark, to ride the waves of this thing called life, for but a moment in time on the watch of the universe. . I place the unsent letter here: making magic, making alchemy, making life. . “Below the full moon: humid breeze, magical coves, secret scrubs… And the unicorn in the heightened wild scrubland, ready to flee, alert and tense.” . Here I meditated, prayed, held space, gave thanks this week. Is this grief? . Time, I whisper. It is everything and nothing. We crossed aeons to get to one another. And now? We let a mere ocean get in the way. . Oh, this is pain and sorrow and rage and joy and love - the thing we call heart break but that is too vast for just one word or organ. . Time, I whisper again. It is everything and nothing. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #maracaibo #venezuela

922
12 months ago

TW: Feeling like you are dying is not the same as wanting to die. It is also not the same as dying. The brain and the body cannot always distinguish this. This is sometimes known as a panic attack. . My throat feels the pounding of blood first, it clenches, my esophagus feels crushed, this induces more panic, and before you know it I am on the floor trying to remember how to breathe. . The throat, this is where someone tried to strangle me once. This is where someone forced their way into me once. This is where words get caught like a rabbit in a trap. This is where the mother tongue gasps for air. This is where asking for what I need gets locked in fear. This is where the knots form and seed the feeling of death’s coming. It roots here and then grows with force, spreading its limbs into my brain and the roots deep into the chest, the lungs. . Trauma, written on the body. . It is a physical, mental, and spiritual experience all at once and there is no single source or trigger. “Panic symptoms are maintained bc the individual develops a fear of the attack itself which is triggered by something they know is irrational. The fear of these sensations sends the body into an emergency primitive response to avert threat. The price is being unable to detect what is truly dangerous or harmful and what is safe and nourishing.” -Bessel Van Der Kolk . I will my body and my mind to count in unison and for my lungs to expand when I say one and to contract when I say two. Over the years and with practice this gesture repeated many times keeps me from moving into a temporary full body paralysis and I am able, eventually, to realize that what is happening to my body is a distorted message from my brain. . I was 17 the first time I ever experienced this distorted message that left me frozen and 22 or 23 the next time it came with such force again that left me bedridden for days. For the last 7 or 8 years they have come and gone in waves, but rarely with the ferocity of those early events. . There have been times where I wish I wouldn’t have them at all, where I’ve watched them unfold in moments and swallow up the best parts of my life... Contd below

642
12 months ago

This snake manifested before me today. I received this message last summer when another Black snake came to me... The last one dead, this one shedding. “The snake asked that you have a ritual in which you shared your energy with your environment, with the river or stream. The snake is your protective totem, a water snake. In indigenous symbology, all ancient snakes were snakes of water. The snakes are great water creators, they are near the springs of rivers, the protectors and guardians of hydral cultures, of water, the fountains and springs of rivers. Latin American and Asian cultures hold them as water protectors. It told Leslie, "I am a water snake". Its colors were vibrant, purple and green... The snake that you saw was the protector of the river where you were. It manifested itself at that moment because your totem manifested itself at that moment. Proof of the connection. A clear line of communication.” . Ok universe, I hear you. I hear you. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #coatlicue #traumarecovery #countryqueers #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

522
12 months ago

Dentists. May 2018. My then partner had been insisting I take care of my physical health. He worried about my vessel as much as I worried about his. It took almost a year of a decent salary and good health insurance to convince me I could. I scheduled the appointment for a physical before I left the states. My body filled with dread, but I did it. While I was in Maracaibo, I went to the dentist. He scheduled the appointment for me and we went in just days before I was to depart. . It should have been a filling for a cavity and a routine cleaning. The dentist gently fills my cavity. I breathe. It’s been over a decade since I’ve had this done. She moves onto the cleaning. I breathe again. She begins, to scrape under the crevices of my gums. Inhale, I tell myself. I try not to choke but my mouth is filled with cotton and blood and pain. There is nothing routine about decades worth of shame filling your mouth with blood. You know it’s not your fault, but you cry anyway. You cry out of anger. You cry out of pain. You cry because you are exhausted. Head spin. Tail spin. Spinning. . When we talk about trauma collectively we too often conflate it with single incidents, but there is a trauma that is the trauma of the osmosis of oppression or generations of pain we’ve inherited. As much as we have our resilience and our resistance, we have these other things too. . The dentist worked to keep up with the blood but had to call it before she could finish. I slid off the chair and slinked into the car. I felt like I’d run a marathon. . Shame is such an invasive feeling. It holds onto your vibrations like glue and becomes you when it is present. You become it, embodied, and you wait for the worst of everything to fall into your lap. Shame gives a home for our inner demons to play. They dance their way out of our psyches and into our conversation and our actions. They tell you to go on the defense - to protect yourself before the cards fall. I’d like to say I can’t recognize this person, but I know her well. I’ve known her for a long time despite my efforts to shove her into a corner, to pretend that she was not a part of me. . Contd below

544
12 months ago

I believe in redemption. I believe in hope. I believe in possibilities and imagination and liberation. I believe in kindness. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in courage and bravery. I believe in love and desire. I believe we are not what has happened to us. I believe it is possible to heal and that it is not linear and that it is fucking messy. I believe that messy is OK. I believe that we are not striving for perfection. I believe that sometimes the only way out is through. I believe that what the universe presents in endings are openings. I believe that what feels hard pushes us to be better, to do better, to be the best version of ourselves. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #countryqueers #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar

1113
12 months ago

Santos and I danced in the morning drizzle. We ate plantains and pasta. We played with a new saber tooth tiger and his spider man walkie talkies despite their lack of batteries. His resilience and joy reminds me of mine. I stuck my hands in dirt for the first time in a long while. I pulled weeds like a mad person. Once they were all out, I worried about the coming rain. What now would hold the moisture? No matter. The flowers can now breathe and it is time for ground cover, for coaxing, for rebuilding soil. . In the backdrop I saw the lilies just starting to bloom. Lilies. I couldn’t help but laugh at this grand gesture of the universe, at this symbol of our love, at the dream that started it all, at this reminder of all the sweetness your love did and does hold, at the irony of blooming. . The universe is pulling at both of us, pulling us apart, pushing us together, pulling again like taffy that can never quite regain its shape, testing the waters for what kind of shape we can be together, an ancestral and amorphous one, I believe, one that is meant to change, and to change, and to change. . I realized somewhere between January and now that love has both limited capacities and abundance. In and of itself it can hold many things, but it must be both cast and received in a broad net. Love, it must be fed with gratitude, consistently, over time, across time, across space, across people. Without this it cannot survive. It must change, we must change, like the water. . You always said there was something about water. Yes, there is something about water. Can we survive its tides? Its flooding turning creeks into rivers and then into oceans of our imagination? Can we surrender to its power and know that this new shape that we take is how we survive? . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #radicalwomenco #motherhoodrising #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #traumarecovery

860
12 months ago

Mothers Day 2018. I felt my insides crumbling apart, but I also felt safe to be vulnerable. Surely love can catch this I thought. But I unraveled the sickest parts of myself, the parts that can make no sense out of what it means to be present with the weight of both the past and future intruding their way into every thought. Love couldn’t catch what I revealed. I tried so hard to express gratitude, to signal that this was the way dis-ease manifests, that the real me was fighting to show itself, but it was too late and it didn’t matter anyway. I was a draining force of reckoning. . So here I sit at daybreak, staring at all the things in the house that must come down, pieces of love etched in notes and photos and tapestries. I don’t want to remove these symbols and signs. It makes this ending real. Will I put them in a box? Burn them? That doesn’t matter anyway either. Besides, Santos already asked what happened to the extra toothbrush in the bathroom. I had no answer. . Recovery. 1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. 2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost. . Can this state of being ever be normal? What does it mean to control oneself when we work so hard to not be in domination? Shouldn’t we be allowed to be weak with one another? Vulnerability was my attempt at recovery. I worked hard to let it in. I let its warmness envelope me no matter how afraid I was. My vulnerability revealed my weaknesses. I was ready to hold that but not everyone was ready to see it, touch it, hold it. Damn. . Recovery right now is trying to stay vulnerable and holding onto the people showing up right now in this instance holding all the sick parts because they trust that I can come home to another part of myself, the part they love melded with the parts they’ve learned to love because they believe in wholeness. Damn again. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #motherhoodrising #radicalwomenco #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar #countryqueers #traumarecovery

637
12 months ago

Of course, I could not sleep. One morning this week I had the great luxury of meditating on this beach in Miami for an hour. During that time I could feel my mind trying to find the way back to itself, trying to carve out new neuro-pathways. Logic clashes with instinct. . On my trip to Venezuela I was triggered around sexual trauma. It was an innocent occurrence, but it sent me into two weeks of manic spiraling and one week of deep depression. The symptoms for me include high anxiety (including frequent attacks), compulsive sharing and rapid conversation and instigation, and the feeling of dying which really means the feeling of the weight of a car on my chest. During this part of the cycle I can “function” but people around me are often worse for the wear because my entire body and mind is oriented around survival. Meanwhile, my spirit floats around desperately trying to ground my mind and body in what it knows to be true - this is not a situation that needs surviving. These spells creep up around triggers and for most of the past year have been consuming my life and my relationships bit by bit. . I write all this down publicly, because I must and because too many of us are suffering in silence - even if we have strong support networks. Our people sometimes cannot avoid internalizing the intensity that we bring, cannot stay in with us for their own self-preservation, have not experienced nor can understand the rapid cycle of mistrusting one’s own mind. . There is a danger in lending one’s behavior entirely to outside factors - though they certainly play a role. I am clear with myself that a lifetime’s worth of unresolved trauma and survival has mostly been handled by throwing myself into movement and being a workaholic. I made a decision around this time last year to step away as I could to get a grip on what I could feel was spiraling out of control. Then, and now, I knew I would lose some pieces of my life along the way, but that what I was gaining was what I needed to focus on, even if being healthy seems impossible. . I instituted a number of practices this past year that I’ve stuck with steadily. They have helped but they have also opened up a deep...

8314
12 months ago

A few weeks ago I jumped off a mountain in Venezuela and flew like a bird. Since then I started therapy, have been working to identify patterns of mental illness, wrote a love letter that never got delivered, my partner broke up with me, a rock cracked my car windshield, my basement flooded four feet, Santos’ daycare had a staff walk out, officiated my best friends’ commitment to one another, cooked brunch for 30 people, started a new job, went to Miami, will be in England the week after next, and my mom’s illness still goes undiagnosed (insurance on its last legs) causing a significant amount of financial and other stress. . Colette Carter once told me that one’s saturn return doesn’t really call it a wrap until 33. @mzshaps reminded me a few weeks ago that this indeed was it and that I have everything I need. @breedlovecaitlin taught me that the hardest thing to do is to stay in. @lyles.probably @prima.de.afuera @rootabega and @vansickm12 show me over and over again what it means to have someone’s back. . Today, as someone I love told me he was walking away, I was reminded of a quote, I am mine before I am anyone else’s. I was reminded of my power and of jumping off that mountain - of the fear that resided nowhere in my body at that moment no matter how high in the sky we flew. My dad always told me to fly like a bird and to be free. I come from a legacy of scrappy working people who have taught me everything about surviving the greatest odds, who have taught me what it means to fight for a freedom just because we can taste it. I am brave, I am courageous, and my life is mine. I choose to stay in and though today is hard, and tomorrow will be hard too, I’m grateful for each of you (named and unnamed) that stay in with me. I couldn’t do it without you. . . . #yearofeternalspring #elcenote #venezuela #trujillo #paragliding #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #countryqueers #thisis30 #radicalwomenco

11524
12 months ago

In this journey the people you think and desire to show up sometimes don’t. Maybe they can’t or won’t or maybe you just can’t see the ways that they are - longing for something that no one can give you but yourself. Along the way there are surprises too - salvation in the form of unsung angels who help you believe in yourself, validate your feelings of unfairness and burden, who help you see the light outside of the dark, who show you what to walk away from and what to walk towards by their very presence, who are committed to helping you emerge from the cave. Trust or faith is funny that way. It comes and it goes or at least it wavers from visibility in your periphery. This human flaw I find somewhat comforting, because it means that conditions can transform and that means there can be this thing called hope. . . . #elcenote #yearofeternalspring #countryqueers #shenandoahvalley #radicalwomenco #bipolar #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

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